Prayer in the early morning

Sedatives wear off

in the early dawn hours 

A sip of water

Another capsule 

Morning prayers to help wash the tension out again 

Once, I could wake feeling rested. 

Now I wake ready for danger 

A coiled spring in my chest 

Unable to be still

And yet

God rules over things out of season 

Over chaos 

From which the unexpectedly wondrous may emerge

The God of Disorder may have his thumb on the scale of my life 

But I believe He tips the balance towards goodness, in the end. 

Saints are the ones who empty themselves to allow God to fill the spaces. 

So

I pray. 

Take this vessel 

Cracked and broken as I am

Patch the leaks and mend the holes

And plant something lovely and fruitful in the rich dark compost of my past

Let me hear Your laughter in my ear

Let me remember that even now,

Even here,

You wait only for my invitation. 

Prayer is a dangerous business

But walking this path on my own is far worse 

So, I beg of You...

Use the disorder and chaos of my life 

To unleash your creative blessings on the world. 

I am making space for You.

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I sent a message on Goodreads to Lois McMaster Bujold, author of the Chalion books which examine the intersection of free will and the Divine in most creative and thought provoking ways. (Plus, they are amazing stories. The Audible productions are fantastic. Very highly recommended.)

The Five Gods of the Chalion universe are The Father of Winter, who is all about justice and is asked to bring a good death in due season; The Mother of Summer, who governs healing and medicine; The Daughter of Spring - new life, beauty, and poetry; The Son of Autumn - harvest, hunting, and good companions... And The Bastard, god of chaos and disasters out of season. He has a wonderfully vile sense of humour and is the sort to find an unorthodox path that somehow still leads to a good end. I like him a lot, even though he is a difficult sort to have around. 

Anyway.... Here's what I sent to the writer of these amazing stories:

Thank you ... 

For the Five Gods. 

I live with PTSD and The Bastard clearly has been around in my life. I'm learning to live with it, though, and thinking of The Divine in this way has eased my journey. 

I wrote this when I woke up today... Thank you so much for giving me a way to sort out my images of God. 

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And then this morning, I had a reply. 

Hello Lonna --

I am so glad you found something in my work that spoke to you in this way. I write to entertain (well, and to make a living); it's a gift indeed, for me, to learn that I have occasionally done something more for someone.

Cool poem. Reminds me of William Blake, a bit, but with a 21st Century eye. Thank you for sharing it.

best regards, Lois.

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I am breathless. 

Wow. 

Kitchen update!

We have an Ikea kitchen, which I very much like. The white laminate doors are getting kinda weary, though, ten years on. It's impossible to get the lower cabinets clean, particularly. 

I surfed Pinterest for ideas... Sanding them all wasn't really high on my list of things to do ... Laminate paint is expensive ... But chalk paint! You can make it from plaster of Paris plus water and some regular latex paint, and all those ingredients were in the basement. 

So, I mixed up some plaster, added blue paint from the leftovers from one bedroom and some green paint from another bedroom and stirred until I liked what I saw. 

I tested it on a piece from under the sink... First coat is all smeary and it seems like it won't stick but after it dries you add the next coat and just keep going until it's solid. 

It took a lot of layers, probably six or seven ... But I love the finished look. 

The upper cabinets will stay white... The darker lower cabinets seem to make the room feel more grounded, somehow, less industrial and more calming. 

It's all curing now, in a day or two I'll add a top coat of wax polish to protect it and help it last longer. 

Yay for Pinterest!

Sprouting!

I have been saving the seeds from all the apples and pears I've been enjoying from our Organic Box and keeping them in a damp container in the fridge. 

Today when I went to add a handful of pear seeds, there were sprouts!

I planted the little things in one of the new pots I placed on the south deck: it's still cool and fluctuating in temperature outside so they should be happy. It's a little warmer up on the deck, and sheltered from wind, so... We shall see!

Free trees. How awesome. 

When winter gets to you...

... Plan the garden. 

(Or the landscape updates, tree transplants, new gates, and drainage improvements, as the case may be.)

Meds: relief or functionality, not both

I only feel truly unwound when I have taken enough sedatives that I can hardly walk. 

And even then, the chest pain often breaks through. 

Once, I could get that sensation of sweet relief by taking off my shoes after a day on my feet in heels, or sinking into a warm bath after being out in the cold. 

Now, the drugs have to kick in. 

And then I'm impaired - I shouldn't drive, or make decisions, and often I'm dozy enough that I just kinda... putter. Preferably from a semi prone position. 

It's such sweet relief, though, to feel the tension drain away... Even if the chest pain still sneaks an intermittent grip on my heart up through the haze. 

So sometimes, the impairment is worth it. 

Other times, I need to be an actual adult  and then I just live with the scrunched up feeling and hold on until I can let go. 

At the moment I'm working my way up out of the relief because my cow needs me to come and milk. But once that's done, I can be horizontal again. 

That'll be a good thing.

Mittens

Upcycled cardigan

An oversized shirt, scraps of several stained and worn t-shirts, some ribbon, embroidered cuffs from a worn sleep shirt...

And lots of little stitches. 

I'll just keep stitching things together and adding quilted bits until I no longer feel like I need to keep sewing.