The Long Road

The journey towards healing is a long, long road.

Yesterday, my emotional balance gradually eroded over the course of the evening and by the time it was dark outside, all the demons of my past were wide awake and screaming inside my head.

The past is over, it’s different now, you are safe in the hands of God … getting those simple messages past the wall of panic and fear that blockades my mind once the demons wake becomes a battle of epic proportions.

I fought hard yesterday, but the battle took hours, and there were casualties. My family get caught in the line of fire – my tears wake my husband, who is understandably frustrated when no amount of logic can reach past my panic … the water running in the bathroom as I try in vain to wash the memories away wakes my son, and though he wisely lets me be, I know he’s awake and worried. The exhaustion that dogs my steps so much of the time means that everyone else has to do my share of the chores, the fragility of my mental health keeps them all walking on eggshells, and on nights like this when the battle is joined, we all end up involved in the fight … though only I can see the phantasms that I think are the enemy, and the enemy isn’t even real.

It is so hard to accept that the injuries to my mind were deeper than I thought they were. It is so hard to live with an invisible illness. It is so hard to work with the illogical mess that is inside my head … unhealthy beliefs and habits have become entrenched from years of practice, and though I am trying everything I know how to do to train myself to new beliefs and new habits, it is a long and difficult road.

I declare my intention to heal myself in body, mind and spirit. I know that this will happen, in it’s own way and it’s own time. I know that my willingness to let go of the beliefs that do not serve me is key to my healing.

Today is beautiful and sunny. The birds are singing, there isn’t a cloud in the sky. It’s never too late to start again, and today, I’m going to put my feet right back on the path to healing and keep walking in the direction I know I need to go. Not just for my sake, but for those I love: I need their help, but I want to get to a place where they don’t have to carry me so much anymore.

I want to be well, for all our sakes.