Nineteen

My daughter Jessica would’ve been 19 today.

Mostly, now, it is not so hard to remember. Mostly, now, it just … is.

She was little, and broken, and the angels took her to heaven not long after she arrived. We got to say hello and goodbye. She taught me a lot about how precious time is. She changed my life in many ways, and I am grateful.

I do often wonder what she would’ve been like if she’d been well and able to stay with us. I figure she would’ve probably been more of a rough-and-tumble sorta girl than a princess (because really, the likelihood of any girl of mine growing up to think herself a princess is vanishingly small). I suspect she’d have liked animals and probably been nuts about horses, like I was when I was little. Since we live out in the country now, maybe horses could’ve really happened for her, too, and not just been a dream.

And then I think of a young woman I know from our community, who is almost exactly the age Jessica would be now. This girl loves horses, and she rides beautifully … and she has a wonderful, open heart and a genuine smile. She’s got the same dark colouring as Jessica, too … and so when I wonder what my little girl would’ve been like, I think … you know, she’d probably have been like this. And that makes me happy.

Yup, it does. Seeing such brightness helps to lighten my sadder memories. With such wonder and beauty in the world, it’s easier to find hope and healing.