01 March 2015

Just sedate me

I don't sleep well. Even with the sedatives. Well, I sleep but I dream and wake weary from all I have seen and done in my sleep. 

I an out of sorts in my waking hours..
 Off kilter, like a squirrel who's had too much caffeine. 

And at the same time, I am tired and just want to lie down. 

I thought this would go away when I made peace with my past. 

Trouble is, my past damaged my brain. Peace helps ease the emotional pain... But the cognitive impairment seems unaffected.  

My counsellor told me that prolonged stress causes the brain hemispheres to stop talking to each other properly. Left brain gets on with life... Right brain encapsulates the trauma and you just keep on keeping on. 

I'm walking the fine line between acceptance and hopelessness. 

27 February 2015

Not quite all here

It's very strange, having my mind be unreliable. 

I'm accustomed to being clumsy... I'm the kid who could barely manage to kick a soccer ball, the person who regularly falls off ladders, the one who can't hit the broadside of a barn with a crossbow. (Yes, I tried. I missed.)

My mind, though...it's always been there on demand. I could tell you how any of the features of the software I worked on were designed, figure out solutons to process problems or design a workaround to just about anything. And it was easy. I was good at what I did. I was quick. I was solid. 

Now my brain often feels fogged in. When the adrenaline gets too much, I,do really strange things and think they make perfect sense. Later, I wonder what the hell posessed me. I try to concentrate, and my thoughts wander. I flit from one thing to another... Lie down for a while... Then follow the next thought somewhere else. 

I have no frame of reference for this kind of thing. I struggled with algebra, and physics, but I could at least sit and work at them for a few hours at a go. And most things just came to me... I don't even remember learning to read. 

I often feel unproductive. I'm not ticking things off the to do list. I'm disorganized, scatter brained, tired and foggy headed. 

But the truth is that I do some kind of productive thing every day. A load of wash, sweep the floors, bake or cook. Plant flowers. Plan the landscaping. Knit. Work, even. It's just that I never really know in advance which thing I'll be able to do.

But there'll be something. 

I am randomly productive. 

Found things

19 February 2015

One day

Just one day at a time.

I can get through this day. Don’t have to worry about the ones after that.

One day.

I can do one day.

15 February 2015

No rest for the.. Hmmmm.

There is no language strong enough to express just how bad a whole night of trauma nightmares is.

I woke after the first bad one - which  was disturbing as well as terrifying - and my husband helped me feel better. I was able to go back to sleep..

... and went into another one.

Dragged myself up to partial wakefulness  ... And went back to yet another.

I'm wide awake now but my body feels like what I dreamed actually happened. 

I need a hot shower.