09 April 2013

Coping is a full time job.

I am just so tired of … well, of my life not being the way I imagined it would be. Of having my days circumscribed by constraints that are hard to define, impossible to see (even for me), and extremely tricky to predict. It’d be so much easier if I could, say, poke my finger and stick a drop of blood in the meter and get a nice, tidy readout: “you need to have a small snack, knit for an hour, then you will be ready to make dinner”. Instead I am always guessing, feeling my way blindly through the darkness of my inner world, struggling to find the strength to do the jobs that need to be done (chores and housework, dull and repetitive and uninspiring work) … to be a civilized human being in my interactions with my family … to do all the little rituals of self-care that seem like more trouble than they are worth.

I’m coping … but it’s a hard journey, and right now, I am mostly very, very sad about the way things are. I am working on finding acceptance and equanimity, but, well, first I think I need some time to be sad about the changes. This is hard on everyone around me, not just me, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. It is what it is, and I’m doing all I can to make the best of a difficult situation but …

Well, frankly, it sucks. And I need to just be sad about that for awhile.

Yep. A cup of tea in the rocking chair, and a bit of time to just be sad. I can do that. I’ve had a lot of practice with sadness.

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