I’ve overdone it. I’m now in deficit mode.
It makes me terrifically angry that doing so damned little by any sort of objective measure can be enough to flatten me like this.
In the past month I have had two eye doctor appointments for myself, one visit to the psychiatrist, one to the counsellor, and one to the dentist. Okay, that is a fair number of appointments, but still.
And I’ve taken The Boy to one appointment for him, and taught for four days.
Now, yes, that’s more than I usually do in a month. But I used to go to work five days a week and do stuff at home in the evenings and on the weekends. Even granting that I was running myself a bit too hard back then, leaving the house once or twice a week for an afternoon or a day ought not to leave a person so wrung out.
But it does. Even with my medication, it does. The drugs help, a lot: I took extra the day I saw the dentist, and I am sleeping at night, though I still don’t fall asleep quite as fast as I’d like, it’s such an improvement over how it was before I’ll not complain. But I look at the dishwasher that needs unloading and I think … wow, that’s … wow. Let me rest for a few minutes then I’ll tackle that.
I’m going to go climb back into my recliner with some yarn and a story and make another shawl. Because I just can’t wring anything else out of me right now, not even tears. And I truly do feel like crying.
I’m just too wrung out to be bothered.
Oh dear! Be gentle with yourself...
ReplyDeleteLonna....you are recuperating, you need to give your body a chance to heal. You know that this is something you can't rush. You are doing amazingly well, and because you are feeling so much better and are so encouraged you are rushing the process. You are way overdoing. What would you be saying to me or to anybody else that was recuperating? You would be pushing us into a couch and telling us to stay put. Now I am telling you the same thing....give your body a chance, allow it to heal, allow it to be pampered for a change. Yeah, yeah...I know all about all of what you did in the past...you were a work horse. You made me tired just reading of all you had done. I thought I was a type "A"...you had me beat hands down. But now it's time for you to love yourself and love your body...give yourself a break Lonna, cut yourself some slack. Back in the day people were put into hospital to recuperate....that was because left to their own devices they wouldn't rest, wouldn't allow their bodies to heal. Don't make me come there and duct tape you to the couch and make you eat good stuff and drink plenty of hot tea....and most of all rest. Are you listening to me young lady? I am giving you my bestest stern look and motherly talking to. Please listen to your body and let it rest, it needs it and it is going to take it whether you like it or not.
ReplyDeleteEnd of lecture.....Lots and lots of gentle hugs...kath
I know. I really do.
ReplyDeleteI can hold two completely different thoughts in my head at the same time: knowing I am injured and that this is what treatment looks like ... and knowing that it's all my fault and I'm just being lazy.
I know it's not my fault and I'm not lazy ... but sometimes, those thoughts are very loud and it's hard work to quiet them down.
It's a long road, this one.