Winding down.

I’ve had to make some difficult choices over the last little while.

The truth of the matter is that my health is not improving – I’m stable, now, which is a beautiful thing, don’t get me wrong. I sleep like a normal person, mostly … except that I need to sleep for 10-12 hours out of every 24, so that kind of takes a bite out of the schedule. I can do most of what needs to be done … if I scale down the ‘must do’ jobs. This is why the sheep had to go, keeping up with them and their fencing needs was just too much. Sasha and Miss May are much less work – they stay behind a single strand of electric wire (even when it’s not plugged in … shhh, don’t tell them it’s not on) and need very little from me besides a filled water trough, some alfalfa and some hay in the winter. The chickens are … well, they are just chickens. Chickens are great. There is a gap in their fence so they are ‘free ranging’ again – they seem to put themselves to bed every night, and we’ve not lost any to predators (knock wood) so we’ve been letting them enjoy the grasshoppers.

The household maintenance … well, I’ve never been a spectacular housekeeper but I’ve really dropped that particular ball. I’m working on it, but I’m *always* working on it, and I seem to keep getting behind. We are considering a housekeeper. Mathilda the Braava floor mopper is a big help, and the ride on mower is a big help, and the dishwasher is absolutely essential but … well, there’s still more to be done and only so much energy to go around.

I had to quit my job last month. The company was incredibly understanding of my health issues and willing to be flexible, but even with all those benefits, it still just took too much out of me. Always wondering when the next thing might go wrong and require me to rush into town and deal with it, making sure every class had what they needed, keeping up with the paperwork and the to do lists … it was just more than my poor taxed brain and body could do. They needed more than I could provide, and so I handed off to another employee and that was that. I miss it, but it was absolutely the right choice. The same way I feel about the sheep, really.

I’ve been doing a lot of painting lately – the whole art journaling thing has captured my attention and seems to be very good for me. I take my pictures in to therapy with me, and we talk about what they might be showing … it’s an interesting angle on things, but mostly, it’s just … enjoyable.

Very much an ‘in the moment’ kind of thing. I painted for a few hours today, though everything felt darker than I wanted it to be no matter what I tried, so I washed up and will see how it all looks another day.

After painting today I lay on my bed to read for a bit … and woke up about an hour later. I’ve worked on some paperwork tonight, from the comfort of the comfy chair, and I’m thinking it’s about time to head off to bed. Again.

But that’s okay. This is what my life looks like right now, and the less I struggle against that reality, the more energy I have to enjoy the moments I’m given.