08 January 2013

Well, I haven’t collapsed in a heap yet …

... but I’m not sleeping, even though I’m exhausted, and the chest pain is back. This is important, I know that: PTSD very often shows up in the physical symptoms (well, to be honest, there’s been no lack of emotional symptoms lately either, but that part is starting to feel a bit better).

I’m upset because I really, really don’t want this to mean that I’m doing too much and I need to cut back. That just can’t be what it means. I’m tired of being an unproductive lump. I need to be busy again. The rest of me just needs to get with the program.

Maybe I need to sit down with my body and have a good long talk.

Okay, what is it that you need from me? Can you please be specific? Short sentences. Clear directions.

No, no screaming and yelling, I need you to use your words. Look at me … use your words.

Oh, never mind. Hush, now, hush. Shhhhh. It’s okay. It’s all right.

My body has no words, only screaming and yelling. Trying to figure out what all this means is like trying to have an intelligent conversation with a colicky baby or a panic stricken toddler.

Hmm, maybe I need to spend more time in the rocking chair. That works with some colicky babies. No, I’ve been in the rocking chair for several hours each day for the last three days. That’s not working.

Lullabies?

A swaddling cloth?

Gripe water?

I’m kind of low on ideas at the moment.

I guess it’s sleep tincture and my Healing Sleep audio for now.

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