I had counselling today.
I got some good ideas.
I have a new strategy.
I know I need to ‘open the door’ to let the old memories come up, and let the old feelings be expressed, and then send them on their way. PTSD is, in lots of ways, what happens when feelings aren’t able to be expressed at the time (because it wasn’t safe, there wasn’t time, etc.) .. and until those feelings have their moment in the spotlight, their chance to say “see me, hear me, let me be..” they cannot go on to peacefulness, but stay stuck, and causing problems.
So, I need to let the old stuff surface.
The thing is, I can’t bring it all up at once. It would be overwhelming and I would end up in Ponoka (the town in our province where the big Mental Hospital is, it’s where you get sent if you are REALLY CRAZY).
So I need to let the old stuff out a little at a time. How do I do that?
Today we decided on a strategy.
I will take my book - Just Keep Knitting - which is the story of … well, my story. Then I will use random.org to pick a page at random and then I will write about THAT part of the story in my journal. But I must write from the Third Person perspective, the Observer, so that I do not get caught in the old story, but I can stand back, and “see it”, witness it, be there to say “I SEE THAT THIS HAPPENED”.
And then I will say, “That day, on that page of the story, it was sad.”
Because really, all of that story was sad.
And when I can find the sadness, the sorrow, that is but one step away from healing.
I can do sorrow. I can do sadness. I know these feelings. They are familiar and comfortable - if painful. They are not fear, not anger, not frustration … just … sadness.
Because really, it was a sad story. It could have gone so differently. It could have been better. It could have been full of grace, full of forgiveness, full of compassion. But it wasn’t, and that is sad.
And I can be sad. And then, when I am done being sad, I can heal.
And so this is what I will be doing next. But only one page per week. No more, or I may overwhelm my coping skills.
So, this is what I will be doing.
And I know you will all be with me, holding my hands, making sure I do not fall, reminding me that NOW in THIS MOMENT I am safe, and loved, and treasured for WHO I AM.
You are part of my healing journey.
Thank you all for being here for me.