I had counselling today.
I got some good ideas.
I have a new strategy.
I know I need to ‘open the door’ to let the old memories come up, and let the old feelings be expressed, and then send them on their way. PTSD is, in lots of ways, what happens when feelings aren’t able to be expressed at the time (because it wasn’t safe, there wasn’t time, etc.) .. and until those feelings have their moment in the spotlight, their chance to say “see me, hear me, let me be..” they cannot go on to peacefulness, but stay stuck, and causing problems.
So, I need to let the old stuff surface.
The thing is, I can’t bring it all up at once. It would be overwhelming and I would end up in Ponoka (the town in our province where the big Mental Hospital is, it’s where you get sent if you are REALLY CRAZY).
So I need to let the old stuff out a little at a time. How do I do that?
Today we decided on a strategy.
I will take my book - Just Keep Knitting - which is the story of … well, my story. Then I will use random.org to pick a page at random and then I will write about THAT part of the story in my journal. But I must write from the Third Person perspective, the Observer, so that I do not get caught in the old story, but I can stand back, and “see it”, witness it, be there to say “I SEE THAT THIS HAPPENED”.
And then I will say, “That day, on that page of the story, it was sad.”
Because really, all of that story was sad.
And when I can find the sadness, the sorrow, that is but one step away from healing.
I can do sorrow. I can do sadness. I know these feelings. They are familiar and comfortable - if painful. They are not fear, not anger, not frustration … just … sadness.
Because really, it was a sad story. It could have gone so differently. It could have been better. It could have been full of grace, full of forgiveness, full of compassion. But it wasn’t, and that is sad.
And I can be sad. And then, when I am done being sad, I can heal.
And so this is what I will be doing next. But only one page per week. No more, or I may overwhelm my coping skills.
So, this is what I will be doing.
And I know you will all be with me, holding my hands, making sure I do not fall, reminding me that NOW in THIS MOMENT I am safe, and loved, and treasured for WHO I AM.
You are part of my healing journey.
Thank you all for being here for me.
Here are both of my hands, hold on tight....and I also offer both of my arms for hugs when you need them, or just want them.
ReplyDeleteYou are such an inspiration to me....I admire you greatly.
Thank you for being you.
You are my inspiration currently. My story, while not exactly as sad as yours or anything remotely close to yours (and yes, I've read your book and cried through most of it. And to this day I'm still amazed at how vibrant you are in person) It's still hard on me, and I'm reliving it through my Journey to the Golden Fleece. And relating that to my first statement, I will be sharing my story on my blog, in a very open manner. Maybe not as in depth as will be in my own personal journal, but I will share the work I'm doing, both fibre and emotional. And you've inspired me to be open and to acknowledge it all. It really is the first step to healing. thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Kath - your support means a lot!
ReplyDeleteAnd Belladune, I know that "living the story out loud" is not for everyone, but for me, it has been a choice made from a position of strength and it has really helped me on my journey. I needed to let go of the shame I felt, and I needed to feel that all I'd been through might be of help to someone else. I figure if I can stand here and say "my life has been messy, and I am not ashamed" then others with messy lives (because messes come in SO many shapes and forms) might see something of themselves in my journey, see that it's just part of being human, and we can heal and have better lives if we are honest about the mess and the work it takes to clean it up.
I guess it's worked. You have all my best wishes on your road to wholeness! You are a beautiful and vibrant person and I can't wait to see what you create ... with your fibre and your life. :)
It was
ReplyDeletesad
tragic
outrageous
uncalled for
one-sided
unfair
heart-rending
crushing
painful
lacerating
unreasonable
cruel
sadistic
shallow
and, sometimes, perhaps even evil (but I wasn't there)
yet you have come through with grace and strength.
I soooo wish it were possible in the U.S. to have medical support like it appears you have for this necessary work. I'm pretty sure I have deep problems from childhood, but I've always (since 16, when I left home upon high school graduation and went to college) had to be self-supporting, even paying my own way through college. No time off, except when looking for a new job between jobs, and of course no way to pay for such in-depth, long-term counseling.
But perhaps I would've chickened out somewhere along the line, anyway? ;-)
This journey is not for the faint of heart.
Yes it was, all the things CynthiaDogMom said.... holding you deep in my heart and praying for your freedom!
ReplyDeleteMom