Not quite all here

It's very strange, having my mind be unreliable. 

I'm accustomed to being clumsy... I'm the kid who could barely manage to kick a soccer ball, the person who regularly falls off ladders, the one who can't hit the broadside of a barn with a crossbow. (Yes, I tried. I missed.)

My mind, though...it's always been there on demand. I could tell you how any of the features of the software I worked on were designed, figure out solutons to process problems or design a workaround to just about anything. And it was easy. I was good at what I did. I was quick. I was solid. 

Now my brain often feels fogged in. When the adrenaline gets too much, I,do really strange things and think they make perfect sense. Later, I wonder what the hell posessed me. I try to concentrate, and my thoughts wander. I flit from one thing to another... Lie down for a while... Then follow the next thought somewhere else. 

I have no frame of reference for this kind of thing. I struggled with algebra, and physics, but I could at least sit and work at them for a few hours at a go. And most things just came to me... I don't even remember learning to read. 

I often feel unproductive. I'm not ticking things off the to do list. I'm disorganized, scatter brained, tired and foggy headed. 

But the truth is that I do some kind of productive thing every day. A load of wash, sweep the floors, bake or cook. Plant flowers. Plan the landscaping. Knit. Work, even. It's just that I never really know in advance which thing I'll be able to do.

But there'll be something. 

I am randomly productive.