13 February 2016

Meds: relief or functionality, not both

I only feel truly unwound when I have taken enough sedatives that I can hardly walk. 

And even then, the chest pain often breaks through. 

Once, I could get that sensation of sweet relief by taking off my shoes after a day on my feet in heels, or sinking into a warm bath after being out in the cold. 

Now, the drugs have to kick in. 

And then I'm impaired - I shouldn't drive, or make decisions, and often I'm dozy enough that I just kinda... putter. Preferably from a semi prone position. 

It's such sweet relief, though, to feel the tension drain away... Even if the chest pain still sneaks an intermittent grip on my heart up through the haze. 

So sometimes, the impairment is worth it. 

Other times, I need to be an actual adult  and then I just live with the scrunched up feeling and hold on until I can let go. 

At the moment I'm working my way up out of the relief because my cow needs me to come and milk. But once that's done, I can be horizontal again. 

That'll be a good thing.

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