28 February 2016

Prayer in the early morning

Sedatives wear off
in the early dawn hours 
A sip of water
Another capsule 
Morning prayers to help wash the tension out again 

Once, I could wake feeling rested. 
Now I wake ready for danger 
A coiled spring in my chest 
Unable to be still

And yet

God rules over things out of season 
Over chaos 
From which the unexpectedly wondrous may emerge

The God of Disorder may have his thumb on the scale of my life 
But I believe He tips the balance towards goodness, in the end. 

Saints are the ones who empty themselves to allow God to fill the spaces. 

So
I pray. 

Take this vessel 
Cracked and broken as I am
Patch the leaks and mend the holes
And plant something lovely and fruitful in the rich dark compost of my past

Let me hear Your laughter in my ear
Let me remember that even now,
Even here,
You wait only for my invitation. 

Prayer is a dangerous business
But walking this path on my own is far worse 

So, I beg of You...
Use the disorder and chaos of my life 
To unleash your creative blessings on the world. 

I am making space for You.

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I sent a message on Goodreads to Lois McMaster Bujold, author of the Chalion books which examine the intersection of free will and the Divine in most creative and thought provoking ways. (Plus, they are amazing stories. The Audible productions are fantastic. Very highly recommended.)

The Five Gods of the Chalion universe are The Father of Winter, who is all about justice and is asked to bring a good death in due season; The Mother of Summer, who governs healing and medicine; The Daughter of Spring - new life, beauty, and poetry; The Son of Autumn - harvest, hunting, and good companions... And The Bastard, god of chaos and disasters out of season. He has a wonderfully vile sense of humour and is the sort to find an unorthodox path that somehow still leads to a good end. I like him a lot, even though he is a difficult sort to have around. 

Anyway.... Here's what I sent to the writer of these amazing stories:

Thank you ... 

For the Five Gods. 

I live with PTSD and The Bastard clearly has been around in my life. I'm learning to live with it, though, and thinking of The Divine in this way has eased my journey. 

I wrote this when I woke up today... Thank you so much for giving me a way to sort out my images of God. 

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And then this morning, I had a reply. 

Hello Lonna --

I am so glad you found something in my work that spoke to you in this way. I write to entertain (well, and to make a living); it's a gift indeed, for me, to learn that I have occasionally done something more for someone.

Cool poem. Reminds me of William Blake, a bit, but with a 21st Century eye. Thank you for sharing it.

best regards, Lois.

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I am breathless. 

Wow. 

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