16 April 2016

Is this real? Am I awake?

Last night I had strange and frightening dreams that were so real... people in the yard... A trio of mountain cats on the deck, my friend and her son here for the night, my own son trapped under falling scrap wood while a big cat stalked him...

Yeah, not realistic in the light of day, but in the terror of the dream it was all so real. 

The worst part was that I dreamed that I woke up... Then more weird things followed. 

This meant that when I finally did wake up, I couldn't be sure that I was really awake. I kept yelling "help!" and my husband tried, but how do you help someone trapped in their own head? 

I made him go check the house, to be sure the electrical fire I had seen wasn't real... Then I had to go check it myself, and wake my son to convince myself he was OK. I insisted on taking one of The Boy's shoes back to my room so that I could see it and convince myself that I'd really truly seen him and he was home safe. Not sure why I was so fixated on the shoe, but it helped. I sat on the bed, breathing hard, holding his shoe, saying "I'm awake.. I'm awake.."

I was acting so strangely that Ben was scared. He did come lie on my chest after some convincing, and calming him seemed to calm me too. Yay for support animals. 

I eventually slept again... More unpleasant dreams but thankfully not the full on trauma nightmares. Oi. 

I'm in the midst of a drug dose change, which might explain the timing... But yeow, I don't want to do that again. 

Being awake but unsure of reality is terrifying. I have so much more empathy for people who suffer breaks from reality.. I knew I wasn't all there, but anchoring myself was extraordinarily difficult. And I had help. 

I'm so tired. 

PTSD is real. 

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, I really hate that "dreaming that I woke up" thing, and not trusting that you really have woken up when you have. Sympathy and hugs from here


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